Better, bolder & older
Last Saturday I turned the big 2-5. And last Saturday I also made the first move in starting my life over. Is that dramatic sounding enough for you?
For the last 8 years I’ve turned into a person I don’t recognize. Well I guess by now I do recognize her, because I’ve been her so long. When I was a teenager I was talkative, outgoing, & unapologetic about who I was. I would hang with my bestie & we’d talk to anyone that came across our path. Yes, they were mostly boys, but the point was I would speak. I would introduce myself; I would invite them to hang out. I volunteered to sing songs at church, I was in plays, and I lead classes.
But when I was 17 & left Bible school all of that changed. I became scared, timid, & introverted. I shied away from public speaking. And I don’t just mean speaking to crowds. I mean speaking to people period. When I go to events with my husband I literally beg him to not leave me alone. There are times that if I know we have to go out with people I’ll make a mental list of a few topics to talk about. Do I sound pathetic yet?
I’ve been here in LA for almost two years in April & still have no friends. I hang out with my 15, 13, & 11 year old sisters & my Mom. And I love them & I enjoy spending time with them immensely but I miss having friends my own age.
When I heard about the event I hosted last Saturday I immediately signed up, but like everything in my life I did not expect to be chosen. That’s how I live my life. I see opportunities come across my inbox daily & instead of projecting “I can do this!” I think “I’m not going to sign up, I won’t email that I’m interested. They won’t like me. My writing isn’t up to par” so I pass on it. When I was emailed back that I had been accepted & found out what I had to do I panicked. I still said yes, but secretly I knew I would email in a few days & back out. When I told my husband about it I cried. Literally cried in the restaurant “I can’t do this.” but as I was crying I realized that if something like this could make me cry it meant I had to do it.
I hate this part of me that is scared to move, scared to dream & think. It’s debilitating. It’s pathetic. I sit & I watch Twitter & Facebook abuzz with opportunities & chances & fulfillment of dreams & all I can think is “Why not me?” That answer is simple. I don’t try.
When Saturday came I was petrified. Petrified I would say something wrong, move wrong, make a stupid or awkward joke. And did I? I don’t know. For the first time in my life I decided not to allow myself to do that. Not to allow myself to analyze every gesture, word or phrase. Not to try & guess if my blog idol Rebecca Woolf thought I completely botched my presentation. Not to worry about if people thought my dye job was distractingly bad {which it probably was but I have a 9 week old. Touching up my hot pink tips hasn’t been a priority.}
I really believe that last Saturday was the first step in what I intend to make a really big year for me & I want to be accountable here. I’m putting it out now. I’m going to sign up for opportunities. I’m going to submit writing pieces. I’m going to go meet up with the stroller gang at the park, introduce myself. I’m going to host playdates & volunteer at the school. I’m going to stop being indecisive & afraid to decorate my tiny apartment & hang pictures. It’s silly I know, but I’ve never really made any place we have lived a home. For the first year or two it was a lack of funds. Now it’s a lack of trusting my decisions. What if I order that beautiful tealish couch & hate it? What if my Mom hates it? What if you guys see pictures & hate it? I agonize over every tiny detail of every single aspect of putting up pictures on a wall that by the time I decide to, we are moving.
But I’m moving forward this year. I no longer want to feel like this anymore. I’m committing to myself this year to be better, bolder, & older.
Please also take a moment to check out the recap from Graco Safety last weekend & enter to win a $25 Babies R Us gift card.
The processing power of smart phones have increased largely and they can be used to serve any purpose.
[Reply]
Apple Barn Gift Card…
[...] od for you for taking such a tremendous leap forward into being the woman that y [...]…
Twitter: CookiesForBFast
says:
Keeping it real – I couldn’t love this post more – I feel like this all the time! And I’m so surprised because you seem like all fabulous and confident all the time! So it makes me feel better that someone like you (awesome) feels like this sometimes too! If that makes any sense at all… Anyway, fabulous post. And bravo for hosting the Graco event – I probably would have crapped my pants doing that
Heather @Cookies For Breakfast recently posted..Jiggle Jaggle & Baby #2
[Reply]
All I can say, this post complete my day. lol
Randy Silva recently posted..Which Car Models Use the Least Gas for Air Conditioning?
[Reply]
Twitter: WomanTribune
says:
Good for you for taking such a tremendous leap forward into being the woman that you want to be. For being scared, but doing it anyway. You are so inspiring!
I am extremely introverted; always have been, and have passed up so many opportunities that could further my career and my life just because I was scared. I have desperately wanted to change that, but didn’t know how. Well, maybe I did know how, but just didn’t want to.
You are amazing, remember that!
Holly @ Woman Tribune recently posted..Happy Halloween!
[Reply]
Twitter: Modern_Gypsy
says:
You rock girl! Never let what others think hold you back. After all, not everyone can like everyone and not everyone even matters to you, if you know what I mean. The first few times may be agonizingly hard, but it gets better!
Modern Gypsy recently posted..Delhi Lens: Andhra Bhavan, CP
[Reply]
Twitter: NorthOnHarper
says:
I am so impressed with you for stepping out of your comfort zone. That is hugely courageous.
Its funny… I went through several years of being terribly timid. I still did fun things, but never without someone else taking the lead (a friend, Lukus, etc.). Since I started blogging I have been forced to do things on my own, which is great because I was losing serious self confidence by never taking initiative.
The best part of all this is– it gets easier and easier each time.
Alexis Grace recently posted..Harrods’ Designer Disney Princesses
[Reply]
I’ve been saying since I was 10 that I was going to be a writer when I grew up. I’m so scared of rejection, I’ve hidden behind my blog, but I’m determined to prove to my children that they – and i -can do anything we want. You can do it too!! Good luck!!!
[Reply]
Good for you
Forget what anyone else thinks or says or *might be* thinking or saying (I know this is easy to say and soooo hard to do!) But it’ so worth it to *finally* be able to just ignore any would be critic and just do what you know you wanna do. Listen to well intentioned advice but in the end listen to your own inner voice and go for it!
Lisa D.B. Taylor recently posted..Teenage Party
[Reply]
Love this post! You are inspiring to me. I love reading your words, and hear you share your thoughts on this blog. Dont ever give up on your dreams!!
[Reply]