It Got Better

When I was pregnant I thought a lot about what my life would be like with 2 kids. I considered how we would transition Phoenix out of our bed & into his own. I considered how a very spoiled 4 year old would handle loosing attention. I considered how I would accomplish simple task like cleaning, cooking dinner, & peeing. I really tried to consider everything. I remember the first time I was hit with the realization that being a mom of two would be hard was at the mall after a movie. I won’t rehash everything in this post because I already wrote at length about it several months ago. But long story short I knew it would be hard.

But like labor no amount of planning, books, & breathing techniques can honestly & truly prepare you for dealing with multiple kids. I mentioned before I had amnesia of baby rearing those first few weeks. I forgot that I had to breathe during those screaming bouts. I forgot that silence does descend & sleep will be had. It was hard. 4 years is a long gap between kids & I think it was even more pronounced for me because Phoenix is such an independent kid & even despite his irreverent defiance he is essentially pretty easy going. Phoenix is vocal about what he wants & what he doesn’t want. And even though he can be rude about it I still know & don’t have to do a bunch of guessing, but a baby of course is completely different. And I forgot that.

I have the type of personality where I want to do it all, be all things to all people. I want to be that Mom making dinner, answering homework questions, listening to the news, throwing in a load of laundry & wearing a baby all at the same time. And sometimes this happens, but the first weeks this wasn’t the case. Obviously. But it set me back emotionally

It made me feel like I was failing & I was barely out of the gate. And even though I knew that this was going to be a process I wanted it to be faster. I didn’t want to be laid up in the bed recovering or adjusting. I wanted this new life to be instantaneous & it wasn’t & that frustrated me.

Those first few weeks I had several days of emptiness. I didn’t feel like myself & I didn’t recognize my life. I was being needed & I didn’t know if I had enough to give anyone.  After Phoenix was born I escaped the PPD monster & sailed through his first year, but I was afraid I was teetering close to something so many women experience. I was afraid that I’d be that woman that couldn’t bond with her baby & that made me incredibly sad. I’d sit in the dark of our apartment looking at this swaddled baby & kept telling myself “He’s not a burden. He’s a baby, he’s love. He’s not a burden. He was wanted, desperately” I don’t know if I was actually feeling that way or if I was afraid I was going to feel that way & and this was my way of heading that off. But I felt I needed to remind myself of this. Not just with Caspian but with Phoenix as well. I snapped at him more times then I should have those first few weeks & I let my mind run away with all kinds of scenarios of how he would feel neglected so I started over correcting for my behavior.

The first few weeks were hard & my future as their mother looked bleak. But it ended. It’s still hard, it’s still exhausting, I still cry out in frustration but I got over that first {of many} humps & we are doing better. I feel lucky now. I feel blessed & I’m continually reminding myself that it does get better.


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6 Responses to “It Got Better”

  1. […] months, but things just seem to be going in the right direction. A few months ago I wrote about how it gets better. I wrote that more in faith of hoping & believing those things would in fact get better. I […]

  2. Bipasha says:

    I was reminded of my pregnancy days. We went to Hawaii when I was 4 months pregnant. I spent a real quality time with my husband and little one. Those were the most fulfilling days that we spent in a cozy resort there. It was a royal vacation by all means.


  3. Laura says:

    These are some really adorable shots, you need to hang onto them and use them to embarrass them in 15 years time!
    Laura recently posted..The link between prostitution and escorts, a Leeds based investigation


  4. Alexis Grace
    Twitter: NorthOnHarper

    As not (yet) a mom myself, I can’t speak from personal experience, but something tells me any time you change the dynamic of your home- especially with the addition of another person, there are bound to be challenges.

    And that’s perfectly appropriate! And it does get better!

    I applaud you for recognizing all of these experiences and for sharing them honestly.
    Alexis Grace recently posted..Diane Von Furstenberg Party Dresses


  5. Emily @ TheBusyMomsDiet
    Twitter: TheBusyMomsDiet

    It gets so much better! And then we forget how hard it was and go start trying for the next. Hang in there mama!
    Emily @ TheBusyMomsDiet recently posted..Weigh-In Wednesday: Week 4


  6. Jamie
    Twitter: jamiegall1930

    the fact that you went through that transition just makes you completely human, but like I’ve said in the past you’re so brave for being so open and honest about it all.
    Jamie recently posted..#FreshSummit with Melissa’s Produce! #spon


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