The Remedy Is Happy
I have been trying very hard since I self-diagnosed myself with PPD a few months ago to live in my moment, here & now. I think I have done a really good job lately, but you’d really have to ask my husband if he sees a difference. I know that this week he’d probably tell you that nothing has changed, but that’s because I’m so pissed at him right now that I’m having trouble seeing straight. But that is another story for another angry blogger.
For a long time I felt like I was living under a dome. I felt lonely & extremely trapped in what I could only describe as a mess of my own making. I knew that my feelings weren’t fair to anyone, not even to myself but I felt them nonetheless. I felt none. I felt less. Unless I was looking at my babes.
But here I am now trying to live in a moment, live the moments, love the moments. They are only almost 11 months once, they are only pre-k graduates once in my lifetime & I have to be present for it.
So at night I lay there surveying all the silent noises that a household full of children will bring. The laundry, the mess, the memories, the kisses & hugs & I think “They are mine. They are mine” I feel an extreme wave of love & satisfaction laying there with a fan murmuring in my ear. Maybe it is coincidence that at night when all is still I feel how their love is my remedy. Or maybe it’s just that because it is still I can appreciate what I have & who I have it with.
I have to gingerly step over a colorful array of life strewn across the floor, the beds, & every other available surface in order to just grab a diaper, make dinner or sit & breathe for a moment. A few months ago I had to retreat in a corner of my mind to make it through the day. I don’t have to do that as often. I certainly am not saying that all of a sudden I am free & clear. I don’t know if I am. I don’t know if after writing this tomorrow will send me into a tailspin of hopelessness because there are boxes & packing tape littering all other unoccupied floor space.
I might have to force myself to wake up in a few mornings simply because the sunlight is hitting us all in the wrong places, I don’t know. But I’m trying to make my way out. I think I’m making my way out sans medicines & therapy. With just the simple remedy that is my children, my husband, my life, myself.
I hope you will join me over at Facebook