Caspian is now 6 months, but I’m supposed to be writing these updates based on the month before right? I confuse myself every single month. But obviously I can’t write this on the month we are in now because that would sort of mean I can like see into the future and that would be weird or maybe kind of bitchin’. Maybe I could get my own show on TLC or something. Rabbit trail…

This month I feel like Caspian, the person emerged. Before he was just this little completely dependent baby, which obviously he still is, if he wasn’t that also would be really cool & maybe he could get a reality show too. Shoot the rabbit Alex. Shoot the rabbit! So Caspian is now a person. This little thing that yawns & laughs. He moves now with a purpose, cruising on two on all four or two legs across the living room. He’s got a voice that is playing “Dada” on repeat & instead of by happenstance picking a spot to concentrate on he now follows the voice, the yells & jumps of his older brother. 

Along with a newly stable & slightly sturdier Caspian comes a budding new friendship. Already Caspian has developed this amazing admiration for Phoenix that I adore. And Phoenix still has not let me down with his own admiration for his brother. Phoenix will wake up in the morning & whisper “Cas I missed you while you we’re sleep.” and I think to myself. ‘”Me too buddy. Me too.”

Caspian in typical baby fashion still isn’t sleeping through the night. In fact we aren’t even close. I’m still up every two-hours at night & he’s still eating at every single feeding. And please don’t say to start solids because I’m here to tell you that isn’t the answer. After having Phoenix wean at 8 months I am focused on getting Caspian to stay on the boob {as Phoenix would say} until 2. To help achieve this I delayed solids until just two weeks ago. And no, that is not getting him to sleep any longer. The only thing that has gotten easier {at night} is I have successfully moved his bedtime from 11 PM to now between 8 & 9 with a dream feed at 10:30. A few weeks ago I realized that I have no time by myself or time with my husband at night. I’d read Facebook statues & Tweets from other people settling into their evenings at 7:30 & I’m all “I still have 3 hours of this, at least!” I had to put a stop to it. And surprisingly it was pretty easy…now if I could only get him to fall asleep on his own.

I hate to type this out loud only to have the universe throw it back in my face but things are getting easier for me. Routines are being established & Caspian is becoming just a little bit independent. I’m still in need of sleep like no one’s business & haven’t had a night alone or even two hours alone with my husband in 6 months, but things just seem to be going in the right direction. A few months ago I wrote about how it gets better. I wrote that more in faith of hoping & believing those things would in fact get better. I couldn’t see it yet but I had faith. Well I can finally see it. I can finally see us being able to take a road trip without Caspian screaming the entire time {thanks to Elmo on the DVD player} I can finally see that thanks to the most amazing bottle I can maybe go & get my roots touched up without fearing my Mom will show up with a screaming baby for me to feed. I can finally see past the new baby fog.

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With the craze of the holidays it completely slipped my mind to write an update for month 3. So before I have to write one for month 4 in a week OH MA GAWD I figured I better update you with mostly pictures of month 3 because let’s face it the only thing I remember in month 3 is less sleep, more drool, & cookies.

I’m not sure I can accurately put into words right now why I have been so social media MIA in the last several weeks & months. The obvious culprit is that I have a new baby & a 4 year old & that leaves me with little or no time to do anything let alone blog. But the fact of the matter is there are A LOT of people who have new babies and 4 year olds or two year olds or all three of those & manage to crank out some words. So bear with me as I try & crank out words to try & describe my state of emotions.

No one has died. No one has an illness. I haven’t been left single or left homeless. I just have been. I’ve been devoid of all my words, all my ideas, all my motivation. In its place has settled an exhausted & ever frazzled woman I don’t recognize. Every minute of every day I feel overwhelmed. If I’m doing one thing I feel like I should be doing the other.

I don’t want to be that a blogger that complains 24/7 about how hard my life is and act as if I’m the only woman to ever have two kids. I am a blessed woman. Even amongst the strewn toys, clothes, and toilet paper rolls I can look around and feel blessed that I get to be home with my babies even if it is in mess. I recognize that. I recognize that there are mothers that wish they had babies that could make mess and write on walls & almost drop their baby brother. I get it, I do.

Allow me just this small window of time to complain & use the most over used parenting phrase & say “This has been harder than I expected.” Let me say that I maybe a few times a month or day wish I could put on some running shoes & run away, live on a commune like Jennifer Aniston in Wanderlust & just forget about everything else here. Let me just say that I feel drained.

I just can’t seem to get it together. I can’t seem to figure out a schedule, manage my time better. Get my baby to sleep without props & sleep aids. Get him to take a bottle so I can get my hair colored without having to worry my Mom will show up with him so I can feed him. I can’t seem to figure out how to not yell at my son when he’s asking a million questions while I’m bouncing, nursing, cleaning, or D all of the above. I just can’t get it.

But I’m trying.

Duh.

When I was pregnant I thought a lot about what my life would be like with 2 kids. I considered how we would transition Phoenix out of our bed & into his own. I considered how a very spoiled 4 year old would handle loosing attention. I considered how I would accomplish simple task like cleaning, cooking dinner, & peeing. I really tried to consider everything. I remember the first time I was hit with the realization that being a mom of two would be hard was at the mall after a movie. I won’t rehash everything in this post because I already wrote at length about it several months ago. But long story short I knew it would be hard.

But like labor no amount of planning, books, & breathing techniques can honestly & truly prepare you for dealing with multiple kids. I mentioned before I had amnesia of baby rearing those first few weeks. I forgot that I had to breathe during those screaming bouts. I forgot that silence does descend & sleep will be had. It was hard. 4 years is a long gap between kids & I think it was even more pronounced for me because Phoenix is such an independent kid & even despite his irreverent defiance he is essentially pretty easy going. Phoenix is vocal about what he wants & what he doesn’t want. And even though he can be rude about it I still know & don’t have to do a bunch of guessing, but a baby of course is completely different. And I forgot that.

I have the type of personality where I want to do it all, be all things to all people. I want to be that Mom making dinner, answering homework questions, listening to the news, throwing in a load of laundry & wearing a baby all at the same time. And sometimes this happens, but the first weeks this wasn’t the case. Obviously. But it set me back emotionally

It made me feel like I was failing & I was barely out of the gate. And even though I knew that this was going to be a process I wanted it to be faster. I didn’t want to be laid up in the bed recovering or adjusting. I wanted this new life to be instantaneous & it wasn’t & that frustrated me.

Those first few weeks I had several days of emptiness. I didn’t feel like myself & I didn’t recognize my life. I was being needed & I didn’t know if I had enough to give anyone.  After Phoenix was born I escaped the PPD monster & sailed through his first year, but I was afraid I was teetering close to something so many women experience. I was afraid that I’d be that woman that couldn’t bond with her baby & that made me incredibly sad. I’d sit in the dark of our apartment looking at this swaddled baby & kept telling myself “He’s not a burden. He’s a baby, he’s love. He’s not a burden. He was wanted, desperately” I don’t know if I was actually feeling that way or if I was afraid I was going to feel that way & and this was my way of heading that off. But I felt I needed to remind myself of this. Not just with Caspian but with Phoenix as well. I snapped at him more times then I should have those first few weeks & I let my mind run away with all kinds of scenarios of how he would feel neglected so I started over correcting for my behavior.

The first few weeks were hard & my future as their mother looked bleak. But it ended. It’s still hard, it’s still exhausting, I still cry out in frustration but I got over that first {of many} humps & we are doing better. I feel lucky now. I feel blessed & I’m continually reminding myself that it does get better.

And now with 2 months down I can look over at 3 sprawled out guys & not feel always crazed. I think the biggest thing we accomplished these past 4 weeks is successfully getting into a routine. We are not a routine family. We are fly by the seat of our pants, late dinners, followed by the occasional late morning wake up calls. With one child this is easier to do. But when you have two kids, one of whom has school 3 days a week you have no choice but to forcibly follow some sort of schedule. Once I decided we needed to I was surprised how easy it has been to maintain. Dinner at 6:15 & bed at 8 for Phoenix & start putting Caspian down as well. By 9/9:30 they are both out & we finally can have quiet time. The silence makes me want to hug the air.

Caspian has also settled into not being so incredibly drama filled. Did I mention in my last post that he didn’t let anyone hold him other than me? The moment anyone else put their hands on him he’d lose his mind. Slowly but surely he has grown out of this little habit & now will sit happily with Shawn while I get more sleep, clean or just look at the wall.

He still though is in the habit of not wanting to be put down. Phoenix wasn’t like this as a baby & was in fact pretty easy going. Caspian on the other hand never wants to be put down & if you put him down to say change his diaper you have to be this close to his face in order for him to not shriek uncontrollably. For the past week I’ve tried to put him down in his swing or on the floor during his “happy” time after he eats. I’m hoping that by my next update we can finally get some use out of that expensive baby gear! But he’s finally alive. Smiling, laughing, happy. He’s tactile & very social. And sweet so sweet. My favorite thing to do is to nuzzle his sweet smelling neck. 

Car seat. Any tips for not wanting to jump out of a moving car when your baby screams for an entire 45 minute car ride? Also how bad would I get hurt if I just rolled out like Steve Carrel did in Crazy, Stupid, Love? I’m thinking not a lot.

I still have minor freak outs when the house is in shambles & with a place as small as ours this is often, but I keep reminding myself that this time truly is so short. We have resorted to my Mom’s old favorite. Paper cups & plates. I’ve bucked this idea for a long time but I finally relented & feel so liberated! Paper cups for all!

Enjoy pictures of my beautiful kids & the mess left unattended because of them. This is what it looks like these days. Grin & Bear.