Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I could sit here and tell you how I hope to never have to bury any of my children.

How I hope to never have to sit in a hospital room holding vigil for my husband {or children} {or anyone in my family}

I can tell you how I hope to never have to visit Phoenix in the state prision.

How I hope to never have to support my 16 year-old daughter & her baby.

But I’ve noticed a recurring theme in my blog posting.

Sometimes I can get real sappy & sentimental. And serious.

Don’t get me wrong I enjoy it.

I think it’s my voice….if I have one.

So today I’d like to try something a little different in answering my next question for 30 Days of Truth.

Get back to my roots.

My shallow roots.

I hope to never in my life have to work in food service.

There was a brief period in my Bible school days that I did do precisely that for the school kitchen and I hated it even more then I hated being in Bible school.

I had to wear my hair in a ponytail. My head would get sweaty & greasy and I’d develop pimples because of the stupid baseball cap I would have to wear (because like hell I was wearing a hair net).

My hands constantly reek of cafeteria food and bleach no matter how much I scrubbed them clean with a Bath & Body works combo.

I constantly had condiments smeared across my apron.

And one of the worst things was having to stand in a small corner with the dishwasher as people would discard their mustard, ketchup and ranch filled trays. It was hot & everything all around me smelled of Italian dressing.

Took everything I had not to vomit every day.

But it was supposed to teach me character.

However, at 23 I am proud to say I have never had to flip a burger, clean a milkshake machine, or remember how you liked your steak.

Even when times we’re financially craptastic for Shawn & I, I never had to swallow my pride and put in an application at Checkers.

And knock on wood. I won’t have to.

Now you’re turn to answer.

Make sure you check out Pink Nothings first day of #30DoT too!

It’s been a good minute since I last answered a question for 30 Days of Truth-which by the end will probably end up being like “30 times I post something truthful, but in no particular order & adhering to no pressing schedule”.

The next question that to answer is Something I hope to do in my life.

There are a lot of things I want to do before I kick the bucket, go home to Glory, or RIP. Sky Dive, Write a book, meet Justin Timberlake, travel the world, learn to paint my nails, run a marathon, have a  career, be a talk show host, design a clothing line, own a house with a pool, learn to crochet, and see the movie ET just to name a few.

But by far the thing I really hope I do in life is leave a legacy.

When I graduated high-school my parents & I planned a fantastic graduation ceremony & party (I was home-schooled). And on all of my invitations & programs I had these lyrics from a song by Nicole Nordeman.

Not well traveled, not well read, not well-to-do or well bred Just want to hear instead, “Well Done” good and faithful one…

At the time I hadn’t given much thought to what my legacy would be, could be, or should be. But as I’ve grown older & only a tad bit wiser I’ve realized that the greatest legacy I can leave behind would be my children.

I do hope that someday when I die and my grand-child are going through my things they find all kinds of mementos from my life that speak of success & greatness. I won’t lie.

But if I’m unable to do any of that. If I’m unable to leave behind a library with my name on it or have a street named after me I hope that what I get to do in life is raise well-rounded, responsible, loving, open, successful (in more ways then just financial), proud, upstanding citizens.

I hope that in life I am able to instill upon Phoenix the importance of thinking before he speaks. The importance of “a penny saved, is a penny earned”. That all people are to be loved.

I hope that in life I can pass on to my future daughter the skills she will need to steer & rear her own children. I hope that I am able to teach my daughter discernment. Loyalty.

I hope in my life I am able to teach my children the beauty of the earth.

I hope in life I am able to be there for my child. I hope before I go I am able to see them off in their life, to see my hard work put to the test.

I hope in my life that my children will leave a legacy. And through my children’s legacy. I will leave a legacy.

I hope to hear….“Well done good & faithful mother. Well done good & faithful wife”

What do you hope to accomplish before you go?

The year was 1999.

July. Seventh.

It was hot.

And there was a spontaneous rain shower.

I was 11. Almost 12.

I had cut the advertisement out of the newspaper several months before and I had spent the next several months convincing my parents that I could handle going.

I successfully convinced them.

Tickets were purchased, friends had backed out (too bad for them) and “chaperone’s” had been arranged.

It was July 7,1999 the year of our Lord and Savior. And my sister & I were on our way to the Nsync concert at the Virginia Beach Amphitheater.

via

This is the one moment in my life that I can’t tell you what I was wearing. But I can tell you how I was feeling.

I was flying. High on the bass pumping through the speakers. Heart in my throat. Sweaty hands and underarms (hey it was July now!). I was armed with a Sharpie, CD’s and books to be signed. I was ready.

I insisted we get to the venue early just in case the guys decide to walk around and take in their surroundings befor putting on an awesomer then life show. Appropriately titled Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now.

When we get to the venue our seats were on the floor about 100 rows from the front. Not excellent, but certainly pretty darn good.

The cherry on the sundae was that we were seated right next to the sound booth and in that sound booth was Joey Fatone’s brother and NSync’s choreographer Darren Henson (remember him. He’ll make an appearance again soon) dressed in overalls and a tight blue tank…..hmm….

Six degrees of separation anyone?

My sister and I and one of the girls who came to chaperone us make our way over to the sound booth and strike up a conversation with the brother & Darren.

“Oh my God are they really backstage now?” “What are they like?” “What song’s are they going to sing?” and the most important of all “Can you get us backstage?”

Now I know that every teenager tries to sneak backstage in some way or the other at a concert & no matter how you ask, what goodies you pop out or what you promise to do you just ain’t getting back. But I’m 11 at the time. And I was a sheltered 11 year-old. I was also a naive 11 year-old.

So when Darren started flirting with our “chaperone” (who was like an older sister to us) I saw our in. But see she wasn’t having it and she sidestepped his advances every time. Not sure how much of a sister she really was though. She wasn’t even willing to whore herself out for us.

But even still Darren told us to wait right there after the concert & he would come back to get us to go back stage.

The concert was amazing. The boys sang Sailing by Kris Kristofferson and sailed high above our heads. They sang Tearin’ up my heart and all the over favorites.

It was magical.

It made me high.

And then it was over, just like that. But we sat & sat and waited for Darren to come back and get us.

Let us just make this story shorter and stop leaving you in suspense.

He never came back.

I know. Are you as shocked as I was?

From that day on whenever I would see him on TV a fire of hate would bubble up in my stomach. I vowed to confront him if I ever got the chance.

This chance just may be here.

You see Shawn leaves today to go to LA to start shooting a Cody Simpson music video.

Guess who the choreographer is? Yes. Darren.

I won’t be going with Shawn but I am contemplating printing this post out so he can show Darren. And maybe he can redeem himself by helping Shawn secure me tickets to the Backstreet Boys concert.

Question #4 of 30 Days of Truth. Something you need to forgive someone for.

If you’re participating in #30DoT link up your post in the comments

Caught up yet? Monday post & Tuesday post

Day 3 of 30 Days of Truth asks me to tell you something I need to forgive myself for.

And that is the easiest question of all. The hardest thing. But the easiest to answer.

For the last several months I have been writing about how Shawn & I met and came to be who we are now. And I told you about Ruby the baby that I aborted in this post here.

This was my one & only abortion 3 years ago but it is still fresh in my mind as if it was yesterday.

Over the last 3 years I have started the process of trying to forgive myself for it, but I certainly have not reached that place where I can say I truly forgive myself for that awful mistake Shawn & I made.

I want to get to a place where I don’t hear the name Ruby and want to cry. I want to get to a place where hearing people talk about women who have abortions being nothing more then murderers, doesn’t want to send me into a fit of rage, because really. It’s not that black & white people. It really. Really isn’t.

I want to heal from this. I want to forgive myself for it.

Writing my story out for all the internet to be able to forever access was pretty cathartic. And especially all of the incredible responses I got via Twitter, comments, Facebook, and emails.

I hope that one day I can forgive myself. But until then it is a daily process.

Is there something in your life you need to forgive yourself for?

For a complete list of questions & responses to the first two days click here.

Caught up yet? Friday, Tuesday, & Monday

I’ve been thinking since Tuesday how I would answer question question number two for 30 Day’s of Truth.

Day 2: Something you love about yourself?

After racking & racking my brain I finally came up with loyalty. I started a post but quickly deleted it, because it just wasn’t right. And I felt like if I could tell I was just talking out of my ass you’d be able to tell as well.

An hour before starting this post I started a small list that had stuff like “I love my hair” stupid stuff like that.

I got up. Walked away from the computer ate a bowl of Chicken Curry and now I’m back.

Typing and still figuring out how to answer that question.

I could say small things like my sense of humor. I could say I like my loud laugh.

I could say that I like my vast knowledge of Friends episodes or my ability to be able to use a King of Queens episode as an example of something in almost every fight with my husband.

But maybe I’ll tell you that I love me.

And I think that even though there are little things about myself that I wish I could change I still am overall very happy with who I am.

This is not something that has always been easy for me because there have been a lot times I haven’t loved myself.

In recent years I have adopted a strong attitude of not caring whether people like me or not. That’s not to say that I’ve turned into this huge bitch who wears shirts like “I love me” and “Diva” bedazzled on the front. It’s just that I have spent a lot of my life trying to fit in molds that I think people in my life expected me to fit into.

But if you are a size 16 and you try to wear a size 12 it’s going to be uncomfortable. And when you unbutton those pants all the rest of you that you’ve been shoving inside those jeans are going to come spilling it out and that just simply is not pretty.

That’s how I lived my life for a long time. And when me. The real me. Came spilling out a lot of people got hit with my “fat rolls”. This also happened to coincide around the time I had Phoenix.

I just couldn’t & can’t imagine raising a child to be a truthful & authentic person if I’m not living that way.

I think if you and I sat down over some mini Babybel cheeses & a glass of Moscato you might walk away thinking “She’s a pretty cool chick, with great hair & a fantastic turban“.

What do you love about yourself? Tell me in the comment section or answer on your on blog and leave the link here Complete list of questions

Caught up yet? Sunday- Friday- Thursday