On Saturday I was getting us ready to spend the afternoon at the beach & stumbled across a diary I attempted to keep in 2011/2012. I sat down on the edge of the bed & started reading. I knew that upon opening it I would find some tough feelings because the latter part of 2011 & the beginning of 2012 got a little stressful for us as a couple. I sat & read pages & pages of disappointment upon finding out in October 2011 that I wasn’t pregnant. But obviously that disappointment didn’t last long. But it was the last thing that I wrote that shook me. It was the lyrics to a song by one of my favorite Christian artist Nichole Nordeman. I am. I needed to hear those words that day I wrote it, & I needed to hear them Saturday. 

And when I am weak, unable to speak.

Still I will call you by name.

Oh, Shepherd, Savior, Pasture Maker.

Hold on to my hand.

And you say

“I am”

See right now I’m weak & I have been unable to speak for a few months now. During the lifetime of my “motherhood club” card I have heard a lot about postpartum depression & knew I didn’t have it with Phoenix but I thought the possibility could exist I that I could with Caspian, which is why I thought about encapsulating my placenta {regretfully I did not do this}. So for the first few months of Caspians life I was on the alert as to how I was feeling & dealing with everything. I think I was rocking things {within moderation}. I had my ups & downs for sure, but nothing that was earth shattering. Things for me didn’t start to go bad until after the first of the year when I joined Weight Watchers to start helping me loose weight. To make a very long weight story skinny, the bottom line is that I have not lost any weight. And no I’m not being that fat girl who’s all “Why am I not skinny?!” while stuffing whopper wrappers under the couch. I am exercising, dieting, & nursing & nothing is happening. I’m sure I can imagine how I’m feeling about myself & what I see in the mirror is wrecking me like Ralph on the inside.

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I have been trying to write this post now for two weeks just so I could simply tell you. I have postpartum depression but I’m having difficulty coming up with the writeright words. In a nutshell I have been spinning for the last 3/4 months. I wasn’t entirely sure that I had PPD because one, my baby is older now & I thought that this was something that happened in the first few weeks. I also was really skeptical if I had it because I always imagined that those people who suffered from PPD couldn’t bond with their babies or resented them. I feel the exact opposite. My babies are the only things that tether me to this world. Sure sometimes I think “Ahh! What was I thinking!” when its 2 AM and all I hear is screaming, but most days they make me feel whole & like a real person. 

I’m always anxious, always feeling overwhelmed & smacked down by life. Shawn & I have weathered some pretty rough storms in the last 6 1/2 years and I always manage to shake everything off & come up with a plan to right whatever wrongs. But even though the last few months have been stressful they haven’t been out of our ordinary & instead of getting on cute combat boots to kick life in the face all I have been able to do is cry & wring my hands with worry. That isn’t me.

I have greatly neglected Signs of Life & giving you all updates on Caspians but these are the signs of my life right now. I don’t have a treatment plan yet. I’m not sure if medication is the way to go or just riding out the storm and being more aware of me & my feelings is the right path. The last 2 weeks have been a little better because when I feel that wave trying to overtake me I stop & breathe A LOT & say “I won’t let this knock me down, I won’t let this knock me down” or I say to Shawn “I can’t now. I feel like I’m going to blow” and I walk away for a little bit. And for the record he has been really amazing. Even sitting through an almost 3 hour panel on PPD, placenta tinctures & lotus birth talk.

I’m waiting to hear back from my midwife as to what I can & should do about my weight {possible thyroid or hormone issues?} and if I should get some medication, go to therapy or what but I’m trying to take everything one day at a time.

1. High-Top Wedge Sneakers- After I spied these on the @targetdoesitagain IG feed I became obsessed! Target sold out of all of the Selma’s but I ended up getting a silver pair & black/gold pair from Ideeli. ASOS also has several that I love. These kicks are super comfy.

2. Slouchy Beanie- I’m in love with the 90′s again & I love the grungy laid back look of my black beanie that I picked up for $5 at H&M. Insta cool & bad hair day coverage too.

3. Books!- I’ve read some great books this year. My favorites were by Gillian Flynn. Dark Places, Sharp Objects, & Gone Girl. Her books are so dark & twisty that she has me wondering if she isn’t a little dark & twisty herself.

4. Tea for One Brewing Set- At the end of my pregnancy I started listening to hypno tapes & drinking chamomile tea at night & now I have developed a love for tea. This modern tea set is cute & I want it in every single color.

5.  One Piece- Don’t hate me. But I watch the Kardashians & last season Kourtney had one of these on but I didn’t love it until I saw a guy on 4th of July in an American Flag one. I became obsessed with finding it. But with an almost $300 price tag I may pass on the original. But I love this knockoff from BooHoo. And yes I plan on wearing this in the public.

6. Riding boots, combat boots, or motorcycle boots- I am still on the hunt for the exact right ones. I have a bunch of ShoeMint & Sole Society credits to use so the combat & motorcycle’s will be coming from there. And for a riding boot I really like these DV by Dolce Vita from Nordstroms.

7. DSLR Camera- After 2 years lusting & debating over the necessity of the Canon Rebel T3i my husband finally broke down & bought it. And let me tell you it’s the most intimidating electronic ever! But I love the few pictures we have taken with it. All the photos from my recent tutorial were done with this camera how do they look?

8. Cuisnart Griddler- I am dying for this! I bought a cheapie Sunbeam one that was on sale at Target a few weeks ago. I wasn’t planning on buying one, but this was on ridic sale & I just grabbed it. But after using it a few dozen times I realize the main feature I need…removable & dishwasher safe plates! When I saw the commercial for this during last weeks 90210 I was drooling!

9. Oxblood bag- For my birthday my husband got me a gorgeous patent leather oxblood bag from Coach. The color is the it color for the season & I particularly love the shiny factor of this bag & the gold hardware.

10. Name Plate Necklace- I have been searching for uh, about 4 years for the perfect Mommy necklace. I love the look with the full names right on display & the layered look with the two different length chains. These won’t be here in time for Christmas but you can still order them & have Christmas in January!

And bonus because I’ve been so good this year!

11. 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. No explanation needed.

So that’s my holiday gift guide! What’s on your list?

via 

Last Saturday I turned the big 2-5. And last Saturday I also made the first move in starting my life over. Is that dramatic sounding enough for you?

For the last 8 years I’ve turned into a person I don’t recognize. Well I guess by now I do recognize her, because I’ve been her so long. When I was a teenager I was talkative, outgoing, & unapologetic about who I was. I would hang with my bestie & we’d talk to anyone that came across our path. Yes, they were mostly boys, but the point was I would speak. I would introduce myself; I would invite them to hang out. I volunteered to sing songs at church, I was in plays, and I lead classes. 

But when I was 17 & left Bible school all of that changed. I became scared, timid, & introverted. I shied away from public speaking. And I don’t just mean speaking to crowds. I mean speaking to people period. When I go to events with my husband I literally beg him to not leave me alone. There are times that if I know we have to go out with people I’ll make a mental list of a few topics to talk about. Do I sound pathetic yet?

I’ve been here in LA for almost two years in April & still have no friends. I hang out with my 15, 13, & 11 year old sisters & my Mom. And I love them & I enjoy spending time with them immensely but I miss having friends my own age.

When I heard about the event I hosted last Saturday I immediately signed up, but like everything in my life I did not expect to be chosen. That’s how I live my life. I see opportunities come across my inbox daily & instead of projecting “I can do this!” I think “I’m not going to sign up, I won’t email that I’m interested. They won’t like me. My writing isn’t up to par” so I pass on it. When I was emailed back that I had been accepted & found out what I had to do I panicked. I still said yes, but secretly I knew I would email in a few days & back out. When I told my husband about it I cried. Literally cried in the restaurant “I can’t do this.” but as I was crying I realized that if something like this could make me cry it meant I had to do it.  

I hate this part of me that is scared to move, scared to dream & think. It’s debilitating. It’s pathetic. I sit & I watch Twitter & Facebook abuzz with opportunities & chances & fulfillment of dreams & all I can think is “Why not me?” That answer is simple. I don’t try.

When Saturday came I was petrified. Petrified I would say something wrong, move wrong, make a stupid or awkward joke. And did I? I don’t know. For the first time in my life I decided not to allow myself to do that. Not to allow myself to analyze every gesture, word or phrase. Not to try & guess if my blog idol Rebecca Woolf thought I completely botched my presentation. Not to worry about if people thought my dye job was distractingly bad {which it probably was but I have a 9 week old. Touching up my hot pink tips hasn’t been a priority.} 

I really believe that last Saturday was the first step in what I intend to make a really big year for me & I want to be accountable here. I’m putting it out now. I’m going to sign up for opportunities. I’m going to submit writing pieces. I’m going to go meet up with the stroller gang at the park, introduce myself. I’m going to host playdates & volunteer at the school. I’m going to stop being indecisive & afraid to decorate my tiny apartment & hang pictures. It’s silly I know, but I’ve never really made any place we have lived a home. For the first year or two it was a lack of funds. Now it’s a lack of trusting my decisions. What if I order that beautiful tealish couch & hate it? What if my Mom hates it? What if you guys see pictures & hate it? I agonize over every tiny detail of every single aspect of putting up pictures on a wall that by the time I decide to, we are moving.

But I’m moving forward this year. I no longer want to feel like this anymore. I’m committing to myself this year to be better, bolder, & older. 

Please also take a moment to check out the recap from Graco Safety last weekend & enter to win a $25 Babies R Us gift card. 

Beauty blogger I am not. Far, far from it. However, I did just recently make a few makeup purchases that I wanted to share with you. I’m a girly girl to the highest power but I haven’t always been a committed lover of makeup because it can be a little overwhelming. 

I usually buy makeup based on some review in the back of Glamour magazine or whatever grabs my eye at Target, but never really understand how to apply it nor can I ever figure out what colors I should be wearing.

This past Mothers Day though I got tired of always staring at a tired face & knew that I needed to buy some new makeup because a lot of stuff was drying out & plain gross. And this go around I wanted good stuff.

For Mothers Day this year I wanted a Sephora gift card & last week I went wild in that store. Which also happened to be my first time in there EVER.

Here’s what I bought:

Urban Decay Naked2 - I could not love this more. The colors are perfect for everyday wear & evening I want to stare at all the pretty colors all.day.long

Urban Decay Baked Bronzer in Gilded-I’ve always been a fan of bronzer because I like the Jennifer Lopez sun-kissed look I get from it & when I’m really pressed for time I brush this on with some mascara & feel instantly better. So far I like it, but open to trying a different brand next time I hit Sephora up because I’m not sure I looove it. 

Smashbox Camera Ready BB Cream -For the past few weeks I’ve heard a lot about BB Cream & decided to try it because I like the “all in one” idea of it. I love that it has a primer in it since makeup tends to not stay put on me & that BB Cream has a primer in it is a plus. One step less. So far I like it. Coverage is nice & sheer & I don’t feel caked in makeup.

Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment in Sugar Coral -On the fence about this one if for no other reason than the color. I hardly ever, ever wear lipstick unless I’m attending an event with Shawn, but I do somehow feel less put together if I don’t have it on so I picked this up because it didn’t seem very lipstick like. More like a lip balm. But I’m not crazy about the color or it could be I’m just not used to seeing me with colored lips.

Smashbox High Definition Concealer -My eyes have always carried baggage with them so I like a good concealer & this {like the BB Cream} seems to do its job with just a small dab & not make me feel like I’m wearing tons of makeup.

Maybelline Superstay 10 hour Stain Gloss in Berry Heavenly- Obviously not purchased at Sephora, but a new purchase. I will tell you it’s not 10 hours. I like how it feels, but don’t really love what it does after it starts to wear. My lips just look like I’ve sucked on a frozen treat all day but yet dry. I find myself constantly retouching it with a lip gloss to keep it semi fresh. But I like the color.

Maybelline Gel Eyeliner in Blackest Black - Also not purchased at Sephora. I love this & have used it since it first came out. The only thing is it does take practice to not put it on so heavy but I love the look I get with it. If you get this just remember a little goes a long way 

So that’s what’s new & highly used in my makeup box.

What are some of your favorite beauty products & tips & tricks?

 *Affiliate links included

I have always considered myself to be among the “bitchy” sect of women {not like the awful bitches, but the good bitches, because they do exist} who have no problem telling it like it is, getting what they want, & rocking really cute heels all at the same time. Like Miranda with Carrie’s closet.

But the truth of the matter is I’m not. I’m not as feisty as I seem inside my head. I’m painfully shy-until you get me talking in which I get a bit socially awkward & tell you about that time my bible school friends & I read articles about finding our G-Spot during a break from studying up on symbols in the Old Testament. I’m timid & run from confrontation at every single turn-with one exception, my family.

For, oh about 15 weeks now I have felt less than thrilled with our midwife. It was one of those situations where I couldn’t tell you what made me uncomfortable with her and/or if I tried I ended up just stumbling over sentences & saying stuff like “She never calls back.” but something in my deep deep insides was telling me, my husband, and my mother {who has met her} that she wasn’t the one for us.

Because I don’t like confrontation & didn’t feel like dealing with the task of finding another one I was fine just getting through the appointments, finishing up a birth & having a baby. So what if she kind of resembled a vampire & might be kind of freaky to look at for 10 plus hours, so what she has horrible bedside manner, and so what a whole bunch of other stuff I can’t really articulate.  

But I felt like since I convinced Shawn to join me in my pursuit of the not-so-conventional  birth I could at least make sure that he felt comfortable & solid with everything & everyone involved…and right now he wasn’t.

My huge hangup about the entire thing {besides the added work of research} was I didn’t want to hurt my current midwife feelings. The thought of having to face her-even with just niceness- was giving me panic attacks.

I don’t know what it is about me that in my head I choose to view myself as this strong {thin} confident woman & when I need to be one in life I contemplate having my mother call for me. Yes, I did contemplate that after she offered after I whined I couldn’t do it. I also thought I could play the role of a very submissive wife & let Shawn be the one to call. But both those options just made me seem more of a loser than I probably already am.

After meeting with a potential midwife earlier this week & getting a complete Goddess like empowerment speech I bit the bullet & called her Tuesday…and spoke with her receptionist…and also waited 4 hours before checking the voicemail that I received back…just in case she wanted me to call her back.

But step by step, day by day… you know the rest right?

Have you ever had to break up with a doctor? Do you shy away from confrontation or revel in it?