Raise your hand if you are a mother & have ever been pregnant? Ok. Judging by the show of hands that would be a lot of you. So I’m sure it comes as no surprise that now blogging is unfortunately sometimes the last thing on my mind. There also is one other thing too, but I’m trying to push past that one.

This is not a woe is me I’m so pregnant post or anything. But if you’ve wondered why you get maybe 2 post a week know it’s because of the growing baby that apparently along with eating all the extra calories has a taste for blog post inspiration. Who knew right?

Moving on.

Last night Shawn & I had a small victory business wise & I wanted to rub it in the offending person people’s face & be all “We got you motherfuckers.” but my mom loves to gently remind me “What Would Jesus Do?” and I thought about it. And you know what? I think Jesus was a bad motherfucker. Yes I used Jesus & motherfucker in the same sentence. I’m evolved like that.

Here are 10 reasons of proof Jesus was a badass gangsta motherfucker.

1. He traveled around town with a gang of 12.

2. His father flooded the world just for hell of it. {get it?}

3. They were all in one accord. Like a Fast & Furious movie.

4. He hung out with prostitutes.

5. All the stones cracked when He rose from the dead.

6. He was always nailing something.

7. He brewed his own liquor

8. He often wore hoodies (see photo)

9. He could use metaphors better than Drake.

10. No ho could ever tie him down.

If I didn’t just completely offend you why don’t you add some of your own or tell me how I’m probably not going to the pearly gates. Either way you should comment. And if you don’t understand some of these you should go to church on Sunday so you can laugh along with me. 

via pinterest 

I am only a little bit ashamed to say that the episode of Modern Family from last week where Lily drops the F bombs has happened in my own house a few gazillion times. It is completely my/our fault as we/I {but mostly me} cuss like Bible school students who have been more or less kicked out of a g<odly establishment, possibly because that is exactly what I am. I’m like an Amish kid on rumspringa. 

The first few times Phoenix dropped a few choice words I cringed, the other times I cringed & scolded him but secretly smiled when he used them all in the right context. That has to count for something right?

Maybe it has gotten a little out of control & he’s aching for his turn on Jersey Shore or Jerry Springer & maybe we really need to cut down on someone swearing, be it the child or the parent.

But for now I think I’m raising a little irreverent bad ass & that might be a good thing.

1. “Mommy drop your weapon & get on the floor!” – Clearly he’s destined for a role in law enforcement & that makes me beam with pride. Also there may or may not have been a time he told me he was going to shoot me in the head if I didn’t let him do something. But everyone has a lapse in judgment right?

2. Colorful language as described above- Do I really need to say it? This kids vocabulary will certainly having him score in the Harvard range on the SAT.

3 “Mommy I just don’t care what you say!” – He’s not a follower. So when your kid wants to hand him an ounce pound kilo of coke he ain’t going to take it.

4. Said in the most sarcastic tone “Whatever you say Mommy.”- He’s going to be a good husband don’t you think?

5. Lying. “It makes my baby happy if you clean up for me”- Do I smell a novelist?

6. “Mommy go to Maryland” obvs loosely translated means “Go to hell Mommy”- He has a love for geography & travel. 

7. Me: “Phoenix you are being a whiny baby” Phoenix “No you are!”- Fairness & equality for all. 

So the next time you want to kick yourself for some bad kid behavior, find that silver lining. It’s there people. It really is.

What is the worst behavior your kid displays that they picked up from you?

But all joking aside this kid has a serious case of empathy. Last night while his Dad was out of town & I came down with a case of the morning evening fuck me all day sickness he came into the bathroom started rubbing my back & said “I’m going to help you Mommy! I’m going to take care of your baby. Just bare down!” Through my barf colored hazed I melted.

Because of how supah connected Shawn is I was able to score an exclusive on all of this Kim K drama.

Don’t say I never gave you nuffin.