via pinterest

Last week doing my daily Facebook rounds I saw Mama Knows It All send out that they chose to have a baby so they are choosing to be a good mom. Nothing wrong with that at all. Motherhood is much like marriage. You chose every day how you are going to interact with that husband or that kid right?

But it got me wondering, how do you know you are a good mom? And is it bigger than choosing to be a good mom?

As a parent we spend a lot of time wondering & worrying about different big & little decision that will thrust us on one course or the other. The past few weeks in fact I have felt very convicted about Phoenix’s eating habits. They suck balls. I’m not the healthiest eater, I’m better than my husband since I actually eat vegetables & fruit. But worrying about high-fructose and organic things aren’t apart of my sphere of thinking.

When Phoenix was younger we went through the normal battle of getting him to eat & eventually took the position of “as long as he eats” whatever, whenever. Unfortunately that pattern of thinking as followed me into our every day life & at 3 1/2 we have picked up bad eating habits.

For the past few weeks I’ve spent more time during dinner making him actually eat the things that are on his plate. Even if it means I have to feed him. Like I did tonight for a solid 15 minutes getting him to eat a few small bites of spinach. I’m determined to be a good mother & good mothers make you eat vegetables. Good mothers make you eat different proteins & wheat. And drink organic juices.

I could spend all day telling you many of the ways that I wouldn’t fall into a good mother category. Want another example of how I’m a good mother? Phoenix has told people to “Google his ass” the past few days.

But I digress.

My first point was at what period doing motherhood do you actually say to yourself “I am a good mother.” What sort of things make you a good mother? Do you think that Dinah Lohan ever thought she was a good mother? What about Honey Boo Boo Child’s mother?

Do good mothers play with play-doh & bake cookies? Build forts & play dress up?

What makes a good a mother & what makes a bad mother? I tweeted & Facebooked this question out last night & @4mykiddos answered this:

What happens if you do all that? What happens when you  play with play-doh & bake cookies, build forts & play dress up & you still end up with a “bad kid”? Did you still do it all wrong or did you just draw the short end of the stick when God passes out babies? Would you/Could you still say within yourself “I was a good mother?”

Or it possible that what makes you a good mother is your ability to try? E for effort? If you can turn in at night and say “I did the very best that I could even though milk spilled, soda was drank, hitting happened. I did tried.” 

Write a quick comment

I love his big manly voice & metally presence. I also fell in love with the franchise the summer before I got pregnant with Phoenix. I can’t explain it, but it is the coolest boy movie ever.

I remember when we saw it the first time I also fell in love with a little car called the Pontiac Solstice. Don’t quote me on this, but I think that was the car Xhibit voiced. 

BumbleBee was cool, but the Solstice was like fire to my soul. At the time we we’re still driving my new ScionTC and it was a very slick, sexy car but the Pontiac was even sexier.

After the movie was over I told Shawn  “We have to get that car!” he didn’t really take me seriously until I approached him again a few weeks later. “I’m serious! We have to get that car. It was awesome & I already checked online & the prices are great!” 

“So what would we do sell your car?”

“Yes! It’ll be perfect for us! Can you imagine driving down to the harbor with the top down? Oh it’ll be so great!”

And after that he sent me off to do my research about how to unload our current car & pull into the driveway with Solstice. I started looking up things like how to sell a car online because I had known people who had success on Ebay & other various sites.  

I guess I should explain that we both secretly knew this could never, ever happen. We were broke. There was no way we could buy a new car & we were upside down on the loan on my current car. But things were so sad for us that we often used small fantastical things to get us through day by day. Imaginary furniture shopping to furnish our imaginary move to New York City after we had our destination wedding in Cabo. We did it all.

We never did get that car or even take it for a test drive which obviously was all for the best since it was only a few short months later someone knocked someone else up.

But every now & again we see that car & when we do we smile at each other. 

Thank you to WeWillBuyYourCar.com for sponsoring my post about fantastical living  

Write a quick comment

I’m going to take a detour in the story of that failed romance go off the chronological path & tell you about the first flowers that he gave me, which also happened to be my first flowers ever received from a boy. So the stakes were high.

When I turned 16 my parents bought my grandmothers car & gave it to me, but I wasn’t able to bring it to school until that Spring because I had yet to get my driver’s license. 

When my parents finally drove my car into town my fiancé offered to take it out & get it all cleaned for me. I agreed & handed over the keys to his friend, because my 19-year-old fiancé did NOT have a license. 

When they finally made it back I was told that there was a surprise waiting for me in the car. I giddily headed up the hill imagining all the wonderful boyfriend type surprises I might find.

When I opened the car door I started looking around…nothing. My friend R piped up & said “Aletz I think this is it” looking down there sitting on my seat was a bunch of dead flowers picked from the side of the road secured in a rubber band…

“R. You’re lying. This is not it. This is a joke!” “I think it is Aletz. Oh my gosh…” as she busted out in laughter. 

I grabbed my dead road kill flowers, slammed the door & sulked back to my dorm room.

A few weeks later while during laundry R had received a beautiful bound box of flowers by post from the same friend who helped my fiancé pick out my spectacular bundled. 

To say I was jealous & slightly mortified would be an understatement. I mean I was the girl with the epic love story. The Romeo & Juliet fighting against all odds to be together, the girl with the ring on her finger and all I got was road kill?

I’m pretty sure R or her admirer eventually said something to my fiance because a few weeks later he went to what I’m sure was the only florist in town & delivered to me was a beautiful bouquet of roses…

But even still I can’t help but think that those road kill flowers was a sure sign for a dead love.

Thank you to Interflora.co.uk for sponsoring my dead romance story

Write a quick comment

After seeing another one of my pregnant pals belly pictures on Facebook {who is only a week or two ahead of me} I feel huge! I am even wondering if I’m having twins or triplets! I haven’t had an ultra-sound because my mid-wife doesn’t do them until closer to 14 weeks.

Is my bump also probably a little bit of LA fish taco? Possibly, but honestly on my worst day it doesn’t look this big so I’m sure it’s babe. But sheesh!

I am 11 weeks as of Wednesday & ready to be out of the first trimester. I still have only had a few encounters with the porcelain throne, but the nausea, headaches & exhaustion has got to go. 

My cravings now are bagels, anything Greek/Mediterranean that’s loaded with feta cheese {I know} & tzatziki sauce, milkshakes, yogurt & the worse craving for Chick Fil A ever in my life. 

I got a craving for Chick Fil A on Sunday of ALL DAYS. I wanted the largest lemonade & chicken salad sandwich ever. But of course it was Sunday. The closest thing I could come up with was Panera but was sadly disappointed. So first thing Monday afternoon I pulled on leggings & the best covering shirt I could find & made my way to Chick Fil A. And it did not disappoint.

My emotions have also been running high. Everything makes me cry. The Kardashian season finale. The Real Housewife wedding, Gossip Girl. Ok maybe just TV stuff but still tears abound.

Maternity Dress by NOM from Gilt 

And now enough about all of that.

Here is my official entry for the photo challenge.

Background. A few weeks ago we had a Kardashian marathon courtesy of Netflix & Kourtney & Khloe were making fun because Kim always takes pictures with her underarms showing & her mouth open.

Me. As Kim.

I could win a look a like contest don’t you think?

Currently:

Obsessing over…

Maternity clothes! DUH. I have worn nothing but leggings & t-shirts that pre-baby belly were to big but are fitting now. 

Working on…

This blog post & packing. We’re moving into a short-term rental & until probably May-ish when we can find a house we like.

Thinking about…

How tired I am! 

Anticipating…

Sleeping in the king size bed that our new temp apartment comes furnished with. 

Listening to…

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion part 1. 

Eating…

Just got done eating beef stroganoff, did nothing for me. 

Wishing…

We’ve moved out already. I’m at the point in our current place where I hate it & can see every flaw & don’t want to clean or straighten up. Ugh.

P.S. My blogs anniversarybirthday was two weeks ago, but I didn’t realize that until about 30 seconds ago. I thought it was in February. Egg on my face. I usually do a big week long giveaway but this time I want to do something different. If you are a reader of this blog and obvs you are since you are in fact…reading these words I want to do a huge thank you post & would love to feature your blog. Please leave your blog and Twitter link in the comment section.

Write a quick comment | View 2 more comment(s).

13 Lies that We Tell Ourselves

1. I’ll mop the floor tomorrow.

2. I’m sexy and I know it.

3. I’m really good at making headbands. I should sell them on Etsy.

4. This year I’m going to throw a small birthday party for Lily

5. Next year I’m starting my Christmas shopping in October.

6. Starting tomorrow I’m going to drink 10 glasses of water.

7. By summer I’m going to lose 20 pounds.

8. I am not buying anymore toys!

9. Just one more brownie

10. I’m going to stop worrying about others & just be the best me I can be.

11. I’m going to do everything on my to-list today.

12. Kim Kardashian isn’t really that pretty ya know.

13.  I’m a really good rapper.

Have any of your own to add?

P.S. My blogs anniversarybirthday was two weeks ago, but I didn’t realize that until about 30 seconds ago. I thought it was in February. Egg on my face. I usually do a big week long giveaway but this time I want to do something different. If you are a reader of this blog and obvs you are since you are in fact…reading these words I want to do a huge thank you post & would love to feature your blog. Please leave your blog and Twitter link in the comment section.

Write a quick comment | View 7 more comment(s).

Like every Sunday night for the past few months my hands start to get a little sweaty, my heart races faster & the clock on my shoulder gets louder. It’s almost Monday & I need to produce something on here. Something that is good. Something that may go viral, something that may just be that one big post I need for someone to realize my brilliance.

Don’t worry, this is not a re-hash of last week. But as I was sitting here trying to come up with something to say I started to pursue other blogs & other Pinterest boards & Facebook feeds etc. And before I could stop it a familiar feeling hit me like a lightening bolt & I realized that it was high time I took some time to face it. Stop allowing it to paralyze me.

Jealousy.

Envy.

Words I am not proud of. Characteristics that I wish did not exist in me. I know we all can be a bit envious of people for their great hair, witty sense of humor or sense of style. Innocent hoping that maybe we possessed more of those qualities. But for me it’s different. I realize obviously that everyone is different, everyone comes with their own arsenal of awesome. But sometimes I can’t find mine. Mine gets lost while stumbling to pick up something else & I forget that maybe I am good at something. Mine doesn’t seem rooted innocence. Mine seems rooted in self-pity.

Have I always been this way? Maybe. But what seemed to send my over active jealous or woe is me gene in to overdrive is my constant blog/social media stalking. I can’t tell you how many times I click off a blog & think “Wow. I’ll never be that good.” & immediately feel defeated, deflated, defective. I hate it. I try to remember that no one has a perfect life. That even if you are born with a modicum of talent in anything it still takes time to finesse it. I try to remember that even people who I know IRL that I have looked up to as a “if only I was…if only I could” have in recent years gotten the short end of the stick. Grass isn’t always greener. 

But why can’t I ever remember that? Why can’t I ever just be happy, satisfied, satiated with who I am? 

If you have read this blog for any amount of time you have quickly picked up on the fact that I am my own worst enemy. I criticize myself to the death. I’m not skinny enough, my boobs are too big. My parenting sucks. I don’t know how to make friends, I’m a crappy wife, etc. And I know that most of you while reading this will be thinking “Oh Alex! You are so hard on yourself I’m sure you are great!” and I appreciate that. And I know that, but I also wanted to share this because I felt that it could be a step in accepting me by outing myself. 

When will I finally realize I am enough? 

Do any of you struggle with this? Did struggle? How do you deal?

Right before publishing this I stumbled on this piece from Not A Real Princess over at Just Be Enough

Write a quick comment | View 3 more comment(s).

I have meant to blog for sometime now about being a parent who does not like kids, but every time I tried it seemed to bomb well before paragraph 2. But today as I sat out on the sunny bench at the playground being a parent who doesn’t like kids came back to me.

Phoenix is probably one of the friendliest children you will ever meet. Yes, he may point a gun at me but he also rubs my back as I vomit so you take the good with the bad & there you have the facts of life.

Because of Phoenix’s strong-willed attitude at home I always worry that in public that he will display that but he never ever ever does. I mean that. He’s like an angel with other children. If your child has fallen he will literally began to pick him up & give him a hug. 

But I started thinking today that maybe his public persona could be a problem. 

Let me start with a little background on me. I don’t like kids. I’m not a babysitter, I’m not going to chat with your kid for hours when they come up to me, & I try not to make eye contact with your adorable babbling baby because then she won’t leave me alone while I’m stuffing my face & I spend my entire meal smiling & cooing. Nice. But not my idea of fun.

I’m a mother that doesn’t like kids, except for my own. I think his stories & imagination are one of kind & could listen to him for hours…but could you?

That’s my fear every time we make our way to the park or any other public place that allows my kid to run semi-unsupervised. Instead of playing with all the other wild boys who are stealing trucks & pushing kids down he runs over to you & strikes about a conversation “Hi! I’m Phoenix Campbell. I like pirates. And my mom has a baby & I have train table & love Thomas & Percy” and on & on he goes.

“Phoenix sweetie come on over here & play in the sand” so he does until he spots another you with your 14 month old toddling around & this time he wants to play with her until I can see you looking around trying to find out who this red haired afro kid belongs to, waving from my perch at the bench with book in hand I call Phoenix over again.

I stopped myself today though because I couldn’t decide if I looked like That mother {whoever That mother is, but whomever she is we all know we don’t want to be her} or if my kid was being genuinely annoying & I was coming off as unaware.

I’m sure a lot of this is me projecting my own social stigmas on Phoenix & maybe you at the park. I probably should leave Phoenix be to explore socially however that looks {within reason} but my social anxiety is constantly on high alert. 

What is your other person kid tolerance, are you down with other people’s precious kids? Do you think a kid like Phoenix would bother you {be honest!} 

Write a quick comment | View 2 more comment(s).

via pinterest 

I am only a little bit ashamed to say that the episode of Modern Family from last week where Lily drops the F bombs has happened in my own house a few gazillion times. It is completely my/our fault as we/I {but mostly me} cuss like Bible school students who have been more or less kicked out of a g<odly establishment, possibly because that is exactly what I am. I’m like an Amish kid on rumspringa. 

The first few times Phoenix dropped a few choice words I cringed, the other times I cringed & scolded him but secretly smiled when he used them all in the right context. That has to count for something right?

Maybe it has gotten a little out of control & he’s aching for his turn on Jersey Shore or Jerry Springer & maybe we really need to cut down on someone swearing, be it the child or the parent.

But for now I think I’m raising a little irreverent bad ass & that might be a good thing.

1. “Mommy drop your weapon & get on the floor!” – Clearly he’s destined for a role in law enforcement & that makes me beam with pride. Also there may or may not have been a time he told me he was going to shoot me in the head if I didn’t let him do something. But everyone has a lapse in judgment right?

2. Colorful language as described above- Do I really need to say it? This kids vocabulary will certainly having him score in the Harvard range on the SAT.

3 “Mommy I just don’t care what you say!” – He’s not a follower. So when your kid wants to hand him an ounce pound kilo of coke he ain’t going to take it.

4. Said in the most sarcastic tone “Whatever you say Mommy.”- He’s going to be a good husband don’t you think?

5. Lying. “It makes my baby happy if you clean up for me”- Do I smell a novelist?

6. “Mommy go to Maryland” obvs loosely translated means “Go to hell Mommy”- He has a love for geography & travel. 

7. Me: “Phoenix you are being a whiny baby” Phoenix “No you are!”- Fairness & equality for all. 

So the next time you want to kick yourself for some bad kid behavior, find that silver lining. It’s there people. It really is.

What is the worst behavior your kid displays that they picked up from you?

But all joking aside this kid has a serious case of empathy. Last night while his Dad was out of town & I came down with a case of the morning evening fuck me all day sickness he came into the bathroom started rubbing my back & said “I’m going to help you Mommy! I’m going to take care of your baby. Just bare down!” Through my barf colored hazed I melted.

Write a quick comment | View 4 more comment(s).

But lately Monday has been bringing me anxiety. Why? Because the bloggers & readers shut down on Friday afternoon {as it should be} & spend time living outside the computer or occasionally catching up on their reader. I have found it’s not in my best interest to post any of tantalizing new content over the weekend.

So come Sunday night I’m like “BAM. TANTALIZING!” but lately that hasn’t been happening & I freak out & I’m all “O.M.G I have nothing to say!” 

Like today. 

I had a post in mind, I started it but then I stopped it because it felt heavy for Monday & was going nowhere. I was going to start another one that might get me a few laughs or maybe a few scoldings {depends on how your funny bone works} but when I looked down at the clock & saw it was close to 9 all I could think about was darkness, cozy bed with clean linens & an episode of the Secret Circle.

So maybe I’ll use the case of the Monday’s as an excuse to post the funniest pin from Pinterest to get your Monday started off right. Because I know with last nights news we could all use a little laugh. 

via pinterest 

Happy Monday Motherfuckers

Write a quick comment | View 1 more comment(s).

Ah! So baby number two is gestating in me now. Am I thrilled? Like so thrilled! We found out precisely the day I knew we could. The day after this post. We had just had my IUD removed in November & at the gyno I was told that yet again this sucker was not in place. I had an ultrasound to be sure I wasn’t pregnant & the doctor told me that I would probably end up with child very soon.

My period arrived a few days later & I waited that sucker out for my Droid app to start placing nice red hearts on a few days for go time.

And obvs it worked.

My period was due the day we tested & after buying the test we went back & forth about waiting to test or just doing it. I was in such a place of “I want a baaaaaaaaaby” that I knew I wouldn’t be able to stand one more day of not knowing so I peed. And a few minutes later appeared two very faint lines.

So faint in fact I decided to test again…& again the same two lines.

Jumps & hugs & big smiles were had by all {really just the two of us} & I quickly downloaded yet another app to get my exact stats. 4 weeks & due 8/23. 

WOW. 4 weeks pregnant. That is just like a little tiny blib of a thing. It doesn’t even look like a shrimp thing yet.

But here we are 5 weeks later with a belly {damn. Was it just my gut or does every subsequent baby appear earlier than the last?} & no morning sickness {knock on wood} & fuck damn shit hell bastard bitch am I FUCKING tired. Like I want to just go up to people & shake them & say “But do you know how tired I am?! REALLY?!” Currently it is 7:40 & as soon as this post has passed my untrained editors eye I am hitting the sack. 

Cravings come & go. 2 weeks ago it was tuna fish subs from Subway. The first few weeks was spinach artichoke dip & right now it’s just water…

Phoenix is being I.N.C.R.E.D.I.B.L.E  like beyond. Talks about how he is going to protect the baby & cheer the baby up when she {he thinks it’s a she} is sick or sad. Kisses my belly at night, brings me vitamins & bandaids. Like awesome. 

And that my friends will conclude the less than thrilling “I’m pregnant update” because this gestating Mommy is a tired banshee.

Write a quick comment | View 3 more comment(s).